Whenever I move to a new city (Salt Lake City to Tucson, in this case), I take a collection of semi-useless objects with me, for comfort and familiarity. These are a few of my objects. Some of the descriptions of them are true. Some are lies. Some are a mixture of both.
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1. Hammer
Days after my move to Tucson, I used this hammer to construct a Target bookshelf. After constructing this Target bookshelf, I was very proud of myself. The first evidence my Tucson roommates had of my existence was a loud hammering sound that was me constructing my Target bookshelf with this hammer. I don’t have good enough scissors to remove its tag, so if you have some scissors you believe could do the job, let me know.
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2. War of the Worlds Book Remnant
The Illustrated Classics edition of War of the Worlds was one of my favorite books growing up. The book disintegrated years ago, it was a cheap paperback, but I held onto this cover as a keepsake. Plus, it looks cool on my wall, which is where it resides when it isn’t in the cabinet.
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3. Dinosaur with Painted Toenails
I stole this gentleman from my mother’s garden (with permission). He used to guard her dahlias. Now, he guards my windowsill.
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4. Cat Claw Clip
I used to be a full-on dog person. Then, after I got this cat claw clip as a gift from my sister two Christmasses ago, I started becoming obsessed with cats, particularly black cats, like the one in the clip. What the clip wants is to be in my hair while I hold a black cat in my arms. Once that happens, the clip will be set free.
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5. Page of Imaginary Cutout Letters
I made this page of imaginary cutout letters for a printmaking workshop in college. This page has a personality and that personality is: trickster. Once, while legally using psychedelics, I thought it might be fun to stare at my page of imaginary cutout letters and watch them dance, but the cutout letters REFUSED to move. Instead, when I flipped the page over, the ink splotches on the back marched across the paper like army men. The page of imaginary cutout letters would not do the thing I wanted it to do, but it would do a different, also cool, thing.
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6. I <3 Honor Code Pin
I stole this from my mother (without permission).
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7. “It’s A Beaver” Shotglass
This is a perfectly effective shotglass, but these days, I mostly use it to hold my earrings.
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8. Blackberry Sage Candle
A friend of mine named Sage gifted me this awesome Blackberry Sage candle, which I am afraid to use, since I don’t want to deplete it, or burn down my apartment. Sage and I met in a small town in Alaska. She was a radio reporter and I worked for the print newspaper. Recently, she got a sick new job in Colorado and continues to be a person I am proud to know.
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9. Evangelical Comic Book
I found this mini Christian comic book pinned to a public bulletin board in Wrangell, Alaska. I grabbed it because I loved the illustrations, and because I, too, have been tortured by horrifying anticipation of the moment when Jesus and I will get together to watch a supercut video of all my worst behavior on a big screen. Is any amount of shame enough to expunge the guilt of sin? I think not. But looking the worst thing you’ve ever done in the face is, I believe, a useful skin-thickening exercise.
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10. King Cake Baby
I got lucky once and picked the King Cake slice with the baby in it. In all likelihood, I have already spent the luck I gained from this baby, so if you need luck, ask for him, and I will be happy to pass him on to you.
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11. Small Silver Dinosaur
His name is Norman.
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12. Rayme’s Bar Token, Good For One Drink
One time, I danced on the table at Rayme’s Bar in a tube top to the tune of “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” and the patrons rained these tokens down on me, I’m not kidding. I have a whole bin of them back home.
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13. Jordan/U.S. Flag Pin
Jordan and the United States of America are two of the world’s many countries. This pin represents that fact.
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14. Stone Turtle
His name is Oliver.
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15. Sewing Kit
One time, before a high-stakes job interview, one of the buttons popped off my button-up shirt, due to my chest being so voluptuous. Thankfully, I had this sewing kit with me, and was able to repair my shirt before the interview. The interview went great and I got the job. Then, I got fired. After getting fired, I applied for this nonfiction MFA, where I plan to write a book-length memoir-slash-expose about the events that led to my firing. It’s a great story. I hope it gets turned into a movie. I hope that movie is a musical. Tate McRae would play the role of ME, in a stunning film debut.
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16. Retractable Claw Herb Chopper
I believe this herb chopper could be an extremely effective close combat weapon, similar to brass knuckles, except sharper. I have not had the opportunity to test it, either as a weapon, or as an herb chopper, yet.
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17. Shakespeare Bust Paperweight
David Sedaris gifted me this Shakespeare bust paperweight. After attending one of his readings in Connecticut, I stood in line for a long time to talk to him. The line moved slowly because David’s whole thing was having an in-depth conversation with each person, and giving them a memento from his “bag of crap.” When he got to me, he told me that his landlord had given him this paperweight with the injunction to NEVER GIVE IT AWAY. So, looking me solemnly in the eye, he gave me the paperweight, and said, NEVER GIVE THIS AWAY. Obviously, I have to give it away someday, but I haven’t figured out who to give it to. If you’re a big David Sedaris fan, maybe I’ll give it to you.
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18. Bunny Head
One time, in middle school, after getting heavily bullied for wearing Vibram Five Finger shoes, I went for a walk around the block, alone and crying. In an instance of divine providence, I stumbled across this Bunny Head on the sidewalk. I put it on, returned to school, and used its frightening, mascaraed face to startle my bullies into submission. Soon, everyone started wearing Vibram Five Finger shoes just like me, because they were (and are) such a cool variety of shoe. And I still keep this Bunny Head with me, just in case.
